So, it' been a while since I wrote at length, hasn't it?
Different reasons for that, depending on the week. For every instance of joyful frantic action or being called outside by the blessings of warmer days, there have been equal instances of some serious frustration and hopelessness and tossing about without direction in a slush pile of uncertainties and possibilities.
I'm not sleeping well. Getting to bed late is nothing new for me, but out of nowhere I'm dealing with being unable to sleep through an entire night for the first time in my life. Even if I spend a day functioning on less than four hours of sleep, passing out any time before 10 has an even chance of meaning that I'll be waking up in three or four hours, unable to get back to sleep until 2am or so. So now I'm never in bed before midnight as a rule as much as it used to be just as a habit, which is about as counterintuitive as it gets. It's frustrating, it's infuriating, it's made me inexcusably late for work an inexcusable number of times. And as nonsensical as it seems to logical-me's understanding of it, I have no choice but to acknowledge that this started with the Adderall.
So even with as beneficial as the stuff has proved, one of my worst fears about it is still threatening to be confirmed. Take something for the brain, then take something to get to sleep at night, and then what? This isn't yet the slippery slope, but it's totteringly close. And yet, this (and the very odd headaches when I'm both tired and forget to take it) isn't enough to convince me to even consider going off of it. Benefits are still too great. So I'm looking into kava root on a recommendation, which could well be a silver bullet just by being a relief for nighttime anxiety. That mess predates the brainpills, anyway.
But enough of that.
There's still an astounding amount of good happening, though I'm including "scary and untested" in with that. This year continues to be The Year Of New Shit and more is piling on. Not quite ready to talk about a lot of it, sorry, but it'll all come up soon enough, especially now that I've got this entry out of the way and don't feel guilty about getting into new shit with the old shit still waiting to be dished out. And I really can't overemphasize the importance of the chill leaving the air. It was starting to get to me, seriously. Far too much mope in this camp.
And who the hell would I be to mope when Glee is starting up again tomorrow?
(Subject line adapted from the quite fantastic new Ego Likeness album, which I received an advance copy of in the interest of the glowing review I never wrote in time. Consider this my first public endorsement thereof, at the least.)
- Devil's in the Chemicals